Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Missing Our Baby

December 25th was the due date of our first baby, making this Christmas emotionally difficult for me.  I know I should be happy that we're currently pregnant again and have a new due date to look forward to, and I absolutely am -- but that doesn't erase the great sadness I still feel, thinking of our baby that was never meant to be and wishing instead that we were about to welcome him or her into the world.  When the doctors first calculated my due date as December 25th I was ecstatic that of all the days in the year our due date was Christmas Day!  I couldn't believe our luck, and couldn't possible have imagined or asked for a more perfect day to look toward.  Over and over I thought to myself what a true gift of love that baby would be!

Hearing Christmas carols on the radio and hanging stockings up by our fireplace brought back a lot of the feelings I felt back when I first miscarried and realized I'd never meet our first baby, and it's been a bit harder than I thought it would be to get into the Christmas spirit this year.  While I know I have so much to be grateful for in my life -- certainly more than I could even list on a blog -- some days it's hard not to focus on what we lost with that pregnancy.  Needless to say, this Christmas has been bittersweet... celebrating a new pregnancy while still mourning my first pregnancy. 

It might seem strange to miss a person I've never met, but I do.  I really do.  Especially during the past few weeks, when I'd once imagined I'd be preparing to meet my baby or possibly even have gotten the chance to snuggle him or her first the first time.

I wish all of you a Merry Christmas, and send lots of hugs to everyone out there missing a loved one.  The holidays can be merry and bright, but they can also be hard when you're missing the ones you love.

"Miss You Most (At Christmas Time)"
The fire is burning
The room's all aglow
Outside the December wind blows
Away in the distance
The carolers sing in the snow
Everybody's laughing
The world is celebrating
And everyone's so happy
Except for me tonight

I miss you
Most at Christmas time
And I can't get you
Get you off my mind
Every other season comes along
And I'm all right
But then I miss you
Most at Christmas time

I gaze out the window
This cold winters' night
At all of the twinkling lights
Alone in the darkness
Remembering when you were mine
Everybody's smiling
The whole world is rejoicing
And everyone's embracing
Except for you and I


  1. Hey Nicole,
    Merry Christmas....I've been keeping up with your blog, just haven't commented in awhile. I'm so sorry that today was a difficult day for you, but that is completely understandable. Those are a lot of complex emotions to be dealing with all at once. I hope today turned out to be a good day for you, and hopefully the new year will bring you and your husband much happiness. Take care!

  2. I know exactly what you mean about experiencing joy and grief at the exact same time. Your angel baby will not be forgotten. I'm praying blessings over your 2014. Hang in there, momma.

  3. I know exactly what you're saying here. I'm so sorry you aren't able to celebrate the birth of your first baby. I know all too well how badly you must be hurting. Sending you some hugs, my friend

  4. ale212, jojocardosa & Mel -- THANK YOU! You ladies have all been so supportive and so positive. It really means the world to me. I hope you know just how much I appreciate each one of you, even though we've never met! I am sending the biggest internet hugs your way and wishing all good things for all of you in 2014!!! xo


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