Friday, June 28, 2013

AF is here

Well, it looks like Aunt Flo has arrived.  On the one hand, I'm relieved -- I guess this means my body is hopefully OK and trying to get back to "normal".  On the other hand, experiencing menstruation after being pregnant is a harsh reminder that I'm no longer pregnant, in addition to being a very vivid reminder of the phsyical miscarriage process.  I've never been fond of having my period {I'm sure many women feel this way} but this time it's much worse than a mere inconvenience.  It feels as if I'm physically reliving my experience all over again.  Will it always be like this?

And just in case getting my period isn't reminder enough that I no longer have a baby growing inside of me, I was posed a really difficult question to answer during a routing dental cleaning today.  "You're not pregnant, are you?!" my dental hygienist exclaimed while she worked. Apparently my gums are puffy, which can be caused by hormones.  I silently shook my head and somehow managed to hold in my tears until I left the office.

Nope, I'm not.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Awaiting AF

For those who aren't aware, "Aunt Flo" is a euphemism for your period.  It's also referred to as "AF" in reproductive community boards, as I've come to learn.  Now that I have the terminology down, I have only one big remaining question...

Where oh where is my Aunt Flo?!

My OB advised before my MVA that my regular AF should return within 4-6 weeks.  But, I generally have shorter-than-typical cycles, so I've been expecting to receive it sooner than that.  In fact, if this were a regular cycle, I probably would've received it by yesterday.  I don't know why on Earth I thought the timing here might be predictable - nothing about this experience makes any sense to me whatsoever.  I'm not even sure why I'm so anxious to get it; I certainly don't need any more reminders of the pregnancy I lost or the awful miscarriage process.  I guess maybe I'm hoping that when AF arrives, there's a chance I might feel slightly "back to normal" again?  {Whatever that means.}  That, and the sooner it comes, the sooner we can "try" again.  I know I can't, and wouldn't ever want to, replace the baby we lost -- but losing this pregnancy has reinforced for me how much I really want to be a mother.

It figures the one time I actually want my period to arrive, it's nowhere to be found...

Thursday, June 20, 2013


{originally written June 20, 2013}

I'm doing better physically and somewhat mentally too {no more crying attacks on a daily basis}, but really still very confused, angry, and most of all very sad.  Yesterday would've been 13 weeks, and I can't help thinking about who I'd be sharing the good news with, how I'd be shopping for maternity clothes, growing a noticeable belly, discussing name ideas...

I went for my follow-up yesterday and supposedly everything was okay, which I guess is good {though I'm not sure how she even knew that by a simple 3-minute cervical exam with no ultrasound...} but to be honest I keep hoping this is all a bad nightmare and I'll wake up one morning and be pregnant again.

I know in my head I am living the nightmare, but really truly wish it was the other way around.  I honestly would not wish this experience on my worst enemy.

Thursday, June 13, 2013


OK train monitor horoscopes, you're driving me mad.  First you rub it in my face that I can travel anywhere I'd like, thanks to not having a baby on board.  Then 2 days later you tell me to "Press the pause button on any travel plans you've been making. Things may change."

For a minute, I wondered if there could be some mistake.  Could I still be pregnant?  Is it possible that all that bleeding wasn't a miscarriage at all?  Even if that were true (which I know in my head is not true but did briefly hope in my heart is possible), there was the MVA.

But why else would I have to press the pause button on travel plans???  Does this mean perhaps I might become pregnant again, soon?  Or maybe it means I'll have another miscarriage.  Or will I need fertility treatments?!  The truth is, nobody knows.

Here's a better question:  why am I even stressing about the myriad of possible circumstances that could cause me to cancel travel plans, because of a stupid train monitor horoscope????  I don't think these types of thought patterns are normal.  Am I losing my mind, or is this part of the normal grieving process?  Oh how I wish I could just rewind the clock a month, and be pregnant and happy again...  Will that ever happen?

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

The Birth of a Blog

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

I have been obsessed with the notion of starting a blog, but I can’t think of or decide on an appropriate name. I’m scared to choose a title that sounds too positive for fear of jinxing ourselves, and terrified of choosing something negative for the same reason. I’m pretty sure I won’t have any readers anyway, but for some reason it feels important for me to get my thoughts out of my head out onto the web. Maybe if someone comes across a post and it helps him or her cope in some small way, or I receive a comment from someone out there in the same boat as me, I won’t feel so isolated and hopeless. I want to have hope, honestly I do, but I’m having a really hard time mustering it.

{As you can see, I've been keeping a journal long before I created this blog.  Now that my hubby and I have finally decided on a blog name, I'm migrating all my journal entries to their new home, and dated them accordingly.  From here on out, this blog is our new journal.  Thanks so much for taking this journey with us.}

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Flexible Phase

I didn’t cry today. To me, that is a big feat. I muddled my way through work, went to the gym for some exercise on the treadmill, ate dinner with my hubby, messed around with some home decor, and then fell asleep without any tears or pain medication. Although I did feel a stab of emotional pain today after reading my horoscope on the train video screens, which advised that any travel plans would be a great idea due to the “flexible phase I’m in”. To me, that was code for “you have no baby on the way” and it hurt.  Badly.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Back to Work

Today was my first day back to work and I dreaded it. Honestly, I considered calling out sick again. I didn’t want to get up and get dressed, like I hadn’t been through hell last week. And I really didn’t want to answer questions about how I was feeling or whether I had the flu or hear any of my co-workers well-meaning concerns over my absence. Even though I know their hearts are all in the right place, they have no idea what I’ve been through, and I have no interest in enlightening them. But that makes it hard to go back to work when I don’t want to make small talk or pretend I’m “all better” (as if recovering from a common cold). A couple people asked what was wrong with me and I politely said I didn’t want to get into it, and luckily they left it at that.

I’d forgotten about the girl in HR who I think might be pregnant -- she’s very thin but lately seems to be sporting a mini belly bump and is often sitting on a chair in her cubicle with her feet propped up. I walked past her on the way to a bathroom break and all my emotions came flooding out. Why her? Why not me? Will it always feel like this?

I don’t want to be one of those women who glare at every pregnant woman or mother with hurtful envy, but I can’t help  myself. I don’t understand why they get to have their babies and I can’t have mine.

Tonight I played the blame game, big time. Why did the doctor prescribe me those medications without my permission? Why didn’t I ask more questions before heading down a course of treatment? Were they even 100% sure that there was no heartbeat before I began taking them? I honestly can’t remember the doctor confirming this point blank. Did I kill my own baby?? My husband recalls the doctor confirming there was no embryo when we met in the doctor’s office on Monday afternoon, but I don’t recall much of that meeting except that there was only one guest chair so she had to drag another one in from the waiting room. What if they just didn’t see it in there? Seeing an embryo without a heartbeat seems different than not seeing anything at all. I know it was in there -- we saw it just a couple weeks ago. What if they weren’t looking in the right place, or missed it on the ultrasound? Oh my God, the agony to think I may have taken those drugs prematurely...

Today I came across this article and it scared me to death: I barely survived this miscarriage, and the only reason I didn’t have a complete breakdown is thanks to my husband. He loved me like I’ve never felt loved before, even when his own heart was breaking. I honestly don’t know how this woman coped. If this were to happen to me again I don’t know what I would do.

Sunday, June 9, 2013


While visiting my favorite family with twin girls in CT this weekend, I had some more stomach cramps, bleeding and headaches. Sunday morning I was laying on the couch and something happened to prompt my husband to refer to me as a baby (not in a mean way).  Natalie’s response was: "no she's not a baby, she's a mom. and you're a dad." She didn't know any better. She was probably mixing the words mom and dad with adult in her head. But it hurt really bad nonetheless, to hear her and know she was wrong. Oh how I wish she was right... Tonight while walking home from dinner, a black cat appeared on the opposite side of the street. Hubby pointed it out to me right before the cat decided to cross the street to the side we were walking on. Not needing any more bad luck in my life (e.g., a black cat crosses your path), I ran forward a few yards to avoid letting the cat cross my path, while yelling "don't you dare you mother F-er". Yeah, I know I’m crazy.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

The Day After

This was our first pregnancy and I'm absolutely devastated. I feel so confused because we had a healthy heartbeat of 141 at the 8 week ultrasound last month, and although I had brown spotting on and off since the beginning, I'd read online it was not uncommon and my OB didn't seem too concerned. I didn't have any morning sickness (except for a couple days where I felt a little queasy, but nothing too bad at all), though was tired and had other typical symptoms like sore breasts, frequent urination, belly bloating, and light headaches (which I hardly ever get). I just don't understand what went wrong because the first ultrasound seemed great, I was taking all my vitamins, drinking tons of water, and eating better than I think I've eaten in my life. My husband and I were religiously ensuring that I got 75 grams of protein a day and I didn't "cheat" on any dietary no-nos -- in fact I’ve been eating healthier and drinking more water than I ever remember. Although I realized before getting pregnant that miscarriages were always a possibility, I stupidly tricked myself into believing we were almost in the clear after the 8 week ultrasound detected a healthy heartbeat.

Today I am no longer in physical pain, but feel like an emotional basket case and really just want to stay in bed crying. My husband went back to work today and I feel so alone, partly because hardly anybody knew about the pregnancy and so we don't want to tell a lot of people about the miscarriage either. Our moms know, but don't live nearby, and I called my bff to break the news on Tuesday. She has been very supportive by checking in on me, and it helps to know she went through this 8 years ago before having her beautiful girls, but she also lives several hours away from me.

I was supposed to work from home today and tomorrow, but when I opened my laptop and saw all the work that had piled up, I couldn’t take it.... I broke down crying from a combination of frustration/anger/sadness/exhaustion/stress, and ended up emailing my director letting her know that I had an urgent medical situation and couldn’t work the rest of the week, despite the huge backlog of work I had and how strapped our team was for resources. To my surprise (I’m still not sure why I expected any less -- I think I was just so overwhelmed), she was incredibly supportive and knowing I didn’t have to deal with work for the next couple days provided some much-needed relief.

I spent the rest of the day in my pajamas, crying and watching soap operas.

In my brain, I understand that miscarriages are more common than they are discussed, and that chances are likely that the pregnancy wasn’t viable due to chromosomal abnormalities versus something I did or didn’t do. But I can’t help but wondering. What if we didn’t go to DR? What if I ate or drank something there that poisoned my baby? What if I can’t get pregnant again, or can’t carry a pregnancy to term? Just because many women go on to have healthy babies after a miscarriage doesn’t guarantee that I will.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013


By Tuesday afternoon my uterus lining had thinned a little, but not enough, so they scheduled me for a MVA on Wednesday morning. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday morning were full of agonizing pain, and I still needed the procedure on Wednesday after all that hell.

The MVA procedure was traumatizing to say the least and something I honestly wish I could forget entirely, though the cramping pain did decrease significantly about an hour or so after the procedure was completed. The procedure was physically painful and I didn’t know until a couple minutes before the procedure (when we stepped into the sono room to check on progress one last time) that my husband couldn’t stay in the room with me. I really wish the doctor would have mentioned this sooner, because I was not mentally prepared to go it alone and finding out minutes before really sent me into an emotional downturn. I had nothing to squeeze except a travel pack of tissues which I wring the life out of. Luckily, I’d brought an eye mask with me but that didn’t help much to ease the pain or fear I felt, alone in a room with 4 other medical personnel.

My husband was able to take the entire day off to accompany me to and home from the MVA, which helped me get through it all.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Officially a Miscarriage

Monday morning when I woke to urinate there was a lot of red blood but still no pain. I was able to shower and get dressed before calling my OB as soon as they opened to schedule an 11am appointment. I was still bleeding, but mostly only during urination. But, as soon as my husband left for work -- a little over an hour before my appointment I started having mild-moderate cramping. To me, it felt like constipation. I sat on the toilet eating a whole wheat English muffin, using all the mind power I could muster to try to remain calm and try to have a bowel movement, but nothing was coming out. The pain didn’t ease up, so I took a cab from home to the doctor’s office. The 30 minute ride was unbearable and as we got closer I knew something didn’t feel right. By the time I arrived at the dr's office I could feel that I was bleeding heavily. I can picture vividly my husband's face as I exited the elevator and told him that I could feel the bleeding. I burst into tears and was ushered in to provide a urine sample. As expected, it was full of blood. The nurse took my BP and weight (I still don’t understand why that was important) and left me in an exam room waiting for the doctor. The examination was incredibly painful -- I remember crying out that it hurt while the doctor tried to check to see if my cervix was still closed. I’m not sure she ever felt it, and she didn’t say much except to instruct us to go into the sonogram room. At this point, I still don’t think I knew what was about to happen.

I can’t remember what happened next -- the day turned into a blur. I’m not sure if the sono tech checked me before or after speaking, but I do remember her saying it was obvious my body was trying to get rid of the baby... I was having a miscarriage. This statement shocked me and broke my heart at the same time. I remember crying out and my husband holding my hand. He held my hand a lot over the next few days, and thinking back I’m honestly not sure how we was so strong when I was such a mess.

The OB sent me home with 4 methotrexate pills to take every 6 hours and orders to come back the following day for an ultrasound to check on progress.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

The Beginning of the End

Of course I didn’t know it, but today was the beginning of the end. After a lazy morning having breakfast with my hubby, I decided I’d show Aunt B. a photo of our first ultrasound while doing a video chat via Facetime. The plan was to call her up and ask her to try Facetime out on my new mac, and then I’d randomly hold the ultrasound photo over the camera and record her reaction. Great idea, right?! Only things didn’t turn out that way. After getting out of the shower, I felt the urge to pee. I didn’t have any pains, but there was a certain discomfort in my pelvic area that made me pee before even getting my robe on.

Looking down, I saw bright red blood come out in my urine stream and immediately my heart sank. I threw my robe on, screamed for my husband, hopped into bed and propped my feet up on pillows. The time was 2:30pm. I called my OBGYN’s emergency service line and anxiously awaited areturn call. The on-call doctor happened to be the one I saw at my recent visits, and she returned the call within a few minutes. She asked whether I had fallen or had any cramps or pain (which I didn’t) and advised that unless I was soaking a pad an hour (which I wasn't -- the blood was really only coming out when I urinated) to wait until Monday morning to come in. For several hours after that call I laid in bed, scared to death. I knew bright red blood could be bad, but I didn’t have any pains and the blood only seemed to be coming out when I urinated. After doing some online research, I slept with my legs up on a pillow and hardly bled on my pad at all at night.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...