It's been a little over one month since our miscarriage and a part of me still doesn't (want to) believe this happened. I am so upset that this happened to us but it's especially hard that it happened to our first pregnancy.
Thinking about it, there are few things in life that can so easily cause so much pure joy... and learning that we were expecting a baby was certainly one of them in our case. We hadn't told many people, but the few we had were, like us, simply giddy at the news. My husband and I were over the moon with delight knowing that we would become a family of three later this year. To have had such a thrilling experience interrupted so abruptly was emotionally painful, apart from the actual pain we experienced from the occurrence of the miscarriage. It still is a huge source of anger for me. It's just not fair. We hadn't even had the chance to share our terrific news with all of our loves ones before the news turned terrible.
On the other hand, those we did share the exciting news with were so supportive! It broke my heart to have to bring their hopes crashing down to Earth from Cloud 9. I immediately regretted sharing the news with them in the first place. This may sound petty, but I have all these great photos and some really heartfelt video clips of how we we creatively shared the news with both of our moms and my brother (with personalized matching t-shirts during our joint mother's day celebration!), my 91 year old grandma (who has been patiently waiting for a great grandchild to come into her life and who literally prayed to God when I told her the news that she would still be around in December to meet the baby), my aunt, uncle and cousin (who were great sports about agreeing to participate in a "top secret" video-conference with me to "beta test" a new product related to my job - that was my cover for getting them all on the laptop together for filming) -- who were all SO happy! I should smile at the thought of these memories, not feel overcome with sadness. I should be organizing the photos into scrap books and creating a video montage of the exciting news as it's spread through our families, to watch on a special 1st birthday, or to show to our future baby. What am I supposed to do with all of those photos, videos and creative ideas now???
I feel like this miscarriage experience completely ruined my idea of "pregnancy" and ruined the excitement of any pregnancies I may (hopefully) have in the future. Will I ever be as blissfully hopeful again? If I am lucky enough to get pregnant again, will I be filled with dread and fear 24/7? Will we feel comfortable telling anyone about it, if there is a next time? That sounds like an awful way to think about the future, but that's what I do think about.
There will only ever be one "first" pregnancy for us, and this was it. Even though it didn't work out as we hoped and dreamed, that's it. No rewind button. No do-overs. This horrible experience is the only "first pregnancy" we'll ever have, and although our baby is gone forever, it feels as if my anger and disappointment about how this pregnancy ended will always haunt me. It's just not fair.
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