Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Silent Tears


Today would've marked the 19th week of my pregnancy.  I wonder how it would've felt to reach "the halfway mark"...

I'm nearing the point where I will have been "un-pregnant" for a longer period of time than I was pregnant.  I wonder how that will feel...

I've already been "un-pregnant" for a couple weeks longer than the period during which I knew I was in fact pregnant.  Unfortunately, if anything that fact only makes me feel worse, not better.

I also wonder if or when my brain will stop automatically calculating weekly gestation milestones each and every Wednesday...  Eventually, time will run out.  I would've never been 52 weeks pregnant even if I hadn't miscarried, so I guess this counting ritual technically can't go on much past December.

Eventually, it will be time to move on... time not to forget, but to focus on something new.  I can't imagine it but I guess that's the goal of the grieving process -- processing and accepting what has happened in order to move on.  Do I even want to move on?  Honestly, I'm not sure.  Will time heal this pain?  Only time will tell...


  1. Hi Nicole
    Thank you for sharing your journey. I am blessed with a healthy 2 1/2 year old boy who is full of energy. This year I have had 2 early miscarriages with the second being diagnosed with a Robertsonian Translocation. My first miscarriage would be here in October and my second in very early January 2014. I understand what you are feeling.
    My husband and I have not done the karotype testing or genetic counseling as yet but I know I should to get some peace of mind. Thank you for sharing your experience.

    1. Hi NMD, thank you so much for reading my blog and for your comment! I am so sorry to hear that you've had 2 losses this year -- I am sure that has been very hard. Thank you for sharing that you had a Robertsonian Translocation... before we received that diagnosis from my OB I'd never heard of it before, and to tell you the truth I had a hard time finding information and statistics on it before we met with the genetic counselor. Getting the karotyping done definitely helped put my husband's and my minds to ease that at least we have a chance of having a baby without RT in the future. I wish you good luck! Take care of yourself and please keep me posted! I will cross my fingers for you and your family.


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