One Month

"Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity."  ~Author Unknown

Today marks one month since our miscarriage started.  June 2nd was the beginning of the end for our first little baby-to-be.  This entire experience has been traumatic, but I think the hardest part was having to say good-bye to a baby that we never even had the chance to say hello to.  How do you mourn someone you've never met?  In the weeks we knew we were pregnant, we dreamed so many dreams.  We pondered the gender, brainstormed some names, researched doctors and hospitals and baby care classes, fantasized about snuggling up under the covers as a family of 3, and imagined what the greatest Christmas gift in the world would look like.  We hoped and planned for a future that will never be.

Although I don't expect this aching hole in my heart to ever fully heal, I thought that I was at least on the path to recovery.  But looking at the calendar today ripped any sense of progress up into pieces.  How can it be that I've been not-pregnant for a full month?  I thought as time passed, things would get easier.  But for some reason, realizing that much time has passed sort of makes me feel worse.  I know that a part of me will always ache for our little baby that never arrived; I just hope that as more time passes it won't always hurt this much...