We Don't Know What It's Like

Over the past year or so, we've thought a lot about what it would be like to have a baby of our own.  We have read about various parenting theories, we've listened to stories from friends and strangers alike, we've spied on watched families with babies and small children out in public...  We've done all of this "research" to prepare, as best as we can, for the life-changing journey we're about to start together as parents.  We think we've got a pretty good idea about the kind of changes we're in for, and we hope we have realistic expectations.  But the truth is, we don't KNOW what it will be like.

The thing about the unknown is that it can be scary.  For many of us {ahem}, change is simply terrifying.  You can prepare and prepare, but there are certain things or situations or factors that can't be predicted, practiced or accounted for.  I'm sure any soon-to-be or new parents out there can relate... everyone has a story for you and everyone has advice about what to do when X comes up, or you find yourself in Y situation with no advanced warning.  And though all of the advice is coming from a well-meaning place, it can be overwhelming to keep hearing about all the things that can or will be difficult or challenges that lay ahead, when you haven't even yet held that snuggly baby in your arms for the first time.  And so, at a certain point, we just need to try as best we can to make ourselves okay with the fact that we might not have a CLUE about what we're actually getting ourselves into, but leap into it wholeheartedly anyway, knowing we have the best intentions and are as prepared as realistically possible given the world of unknowns.  At this point is when the palms get sweaty, fears race through our brains like lightening, and we start to wonder:  Are we sure we're up for this life-long challenge?

With only a couple weeks left until our little one is due to arrive, I'm looking forward so much to meeting our newest little family member -- but all of these "what ifs" and thoughts and fears are at the front of my mind.  I think I started getting ahead of myself by focusing too much on them {what if our baby has colic? what if s/he isn't a good eater or sleeper?  what if we're terrible parents?} instead of the sheer anticipation and excitement of our little one's arrival!  Thinking about all of this, I remembered a video ad I'd seen back in December, so I looked it up and watched it again.  And lo and behold, it made me feel better....

By any account, that family's life is stressful!  The house is a mess, the parents look frazzled and exhausted, the kid {though adorable} is into everything.  And then they find out they're having another little miracle, and instead of feeling overwhelmed or scared, they're deliriously joyous.  The stress can {and will!} come later, but for right now, I'm going to soak up the last couple weeks of this pregnancy, coo over every little onesie or outfit as I wash and put it away in baby's new room, and think about how full of love and excitement our hearts were when we first found out we were pregnant.  Those are the feelings to savor and focus on.

Don't get me wrong... I'm generally not one for burying my head in the sand.  I know it's going to be challenging to enter the realm of parenthood, and that there will be some very difficult and sleep-deprived days and nights ahead, but I shouldn't get ahead of myself -- first we need to actually get there... to the point where we have our precious baby in our arms!

About Having Babies

The Huffington Post recently published an article entitled "8 Things We Learned In 2013 About Having Babies".  I won't repeat the whole list here, but there is one item in particular from that list that resonated with me:

#3.  Miscarriage is more common than most people know.

I certainly learned all about that fact last year, and I know many of you can relate.  According to the article:

When researchers with Montefiore Medical Center in the Bronx polled a group of more than 1,000 men and women between the ages of 18 and 69, they found that they grossly underestimated how common miscarriage, or the loss of a fetus before the 20th week is: More than half said it occurs in fewer than 6 percent of all pregnancies, but estimates suggest it actually happens in roughly 15 to 20 percent. Moreover, many respondents wrongly identified the major causes, citing stress, oral contraceptives and physical exertion, when, in fact, chromosomal abnormalities are most often to blame. The study wasn't meant to stoke fear, but rather to point out how much misinformation there is about miscarriage, and how that can leave the women and men affected by it feeling very alone.

When I think back to how clueless I was about miscarriage back in early 2013, and how intimately familiar I became with this fact over the course of the year, I wonder what I'd tell my old self if I could rewind the clock.

On the one hand, I can certainly appreciate the old adage "Ignorance is bliss".  While I was aware of the possibility of miscarriage, and even mentioned miscarriage-related fears to Hubby on a couple occasions during our first pregnancy, I was definitely in the camp of people who thought it only affected a small percentage of women.  I even remember looking up some chart that showed the percentage of miscarriage for different ages during different weeks of the pregnancy {for some reason the 5% sticks in my head as the statistical risk I thought I was facing}, and thinking that once I heard a healthy heartbeat and saw an appropriately-sized embryo during my 8 week appointment that I was probably in the clear.  What the hell did I know.

On the other hand, I wonder if I would've been more prepared for what I experienced had I known how common and what the main cause of miscarriage was.  Saying that I felt very alone would be the understatement of the year.  That's actually one of the reasons I started this blog, and why I'm so grateful to have gotten to know each of you who has been through this terrible experience -- I don't think I could've survived emotionally without the support you and others on loss message boards gave me!  I felt like I did something wrong, I was completely unprepared {and deeply frightened & scarred} by what my body was going through physically, and when I first heard the words "chromosomal abnormality" from my doctor I lost my breath and began crying uncontrollably.  I can't help but think that if I'd heard of these things before or had read or known more about miscarriage rates and causes, some parts of the experience wouldn't have been quite so frightening.  Experiencing a miscarriage would've definitely still broken my heart and left emotional scars, but perhaps if I had really known what I could very likely be facing, it would've been easier to handle.  

Yet still, I've experienced this second pregnancy to date through the eyes of someone who's been through the hell of miscarriage, and to be honest my prior experience has kept me from enjoying and sometimes even embracing this pregnancy.  Although I foolishly believed my first pregnancy was going to work out perfectly, those thoughts {wrong as they were} allowed me to look to the future with pure excitement, instead of constantly chasing worst-case scenarios and sometimes-irrational fears from my mind.  I've had a really hard time allowing myself to just be happy and to a certain extent planing for an actual baby to arrive this time around, and I wish with all my heart that weren't so.

I think what I would've told myself is:  You're NOT alone.  Sadly, there are millions of women who have gone through or are currently going through what you are.  You may have to search a little bit to find them, but they are out there -- they need you, and you need them.  But just because miscarriage is more common than you think, doesn't mean that tons of healthy babies are not born everyday, to people just like you.  The odds are still in your favor -- most pregnancies result in healthy babies.  Though it never hurts to prepare for the worst, you should ALWAYS hope for the best.