AF is here

Well, it looks like Aunt Flo has arrived.  On the one hand, I'm relieved -- I guess this means my body is hopefully OK and trying to get back to "normal".  On the other hand, experiencing menstruation after being pregnant is a harsh reminder that I'm no longer pregnant, in addition to being a very vivid reminder of the phsyical miscarriage process.  I've never been fond of having my period {I'm sure many women feel this way} but this time it's much worse than a mere inconvenience.  It feels as if I'm physically reliving my experience all over again.  Will it always be like this?

And just in case getting my period isn't reminder enough that I no longer have a baby growing inside of me, I was posed a really difficult question to answer during a routing dental cleaning today.  "You're not pregnant, are you?!" my dental hygienist exclaimed while she worked. Apparently my gums are puffy, which can be caused by hormones.  I silently shook my head and somehow managed to hold in my tears until I left the office.

Nope, I'm not.

MVA

By Tuesday afternoon my uterus lining had thinned a little, but not enough, so they scheduled me for a MVA on Wednesday morning. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday morning were full of agonizing pain, and I still needed the procedure on Wednesday after all that hell.

The MVA procedure was traumatizing to say the least and something I honestly wish I could forget entirely, though the cramping pain did decrease significantly about an hour or so after the procedure was completed. The procedure was physically painful and I didn’t know until a couple minutes before the procedure (when we stepped into the sono room to check on progress one last time) that my husband couldn’t stay in the room with me. I really wish the doctor would have mentioned this sooner, because I was not mentally prepared to go it alone and finding out minutes before really sent me into an emotional downturn. I had nothing to squeeze except a travel pack of tissues which I wring the life out of. Luckily, I’d brought an eye mask with me but that didn’t help much to ease the pain or fear I felt, alone in a room with 4 other medical personnel.

My husband was able to take the entire day off to accompany me to and home from the MVA, which helped me get through it all.

Officially a Miscarriage

Monday morning when I woke to urinate there was a lot of red blood but still no pain. I was able to shower and get dressed before calling my OB as soon as they opened to schedule an 11am appointment. I was still bleeding, but mostly only during urination. But, as soon as my husband left for work -- a little over an hour before my appointment I started having mild-moderate cramping. To me, it felt like constipation. I sat on the toilet eating a whole wheat English muffin, using all the mind power I could muster to try to remain calm and try to have a bowel movement, but nothing was coming out. The pain didn’t ease up, so I took a cab from home to the doctor’s office. The 30 minute ride was unbearable and as we got closer I knew something didn’t feel right. By the time I arrived at the dr's office I could feel that I was bleeding heavily. I can picture vividly my husband's face as I exited the elevator and told him that I could feel the bleeding. I burst into tears and was ushered in to provide a urine sample. As expected, it was full of blood. The nurse took my BP and weight (I still don’t understand why that was important) and left me in an exam room waiting for the doctor. The examination was incredibly painful -- I remember crying out that it hurt while the doctor tried to check to see if my cervix was still closed. I’m not sure she ever felt it, and she didn’t say much except to instruct us to go into the sonogram room. At this point, I still don’t think I knew what was about to happen.

I can’t remember what happened next -- the day turned into a blur. I’m not sure if the sono tech checked me before or after speaking, but I do remember her saying it was obvious my body was trying to get rid of the baby... I was having a miscarriage. This statement shocked me and broke my heart at the same time. I remember crying out and my husband holding my hand. He held my hand a lot over the next few days, and thinking back I’m honestly not sure how we was so strong when I was such a mess.

The OB sent me home with 4 methotrexate pills to take every 6 hours and orders to come back the following day for an ultrasound to check on progress.

May 30

I’m still experiencing tummy pains (and some stool issues) and also had some brown staining today at work. I called the doctor’s office to ask about those issues plus the leg cramps I started having yesterday and the nurse who called me back said there’s nothing to worry about. I should focus on eating bananas, rice and toast and stay away from dairy. I feel really nervous and hope everything is okay.

I also emailed my aunt and cousin in Virginia about the FedEx+videoconference surprise this weekend... can’t wait to see what happens! :)