Check-In

{originally written June 20, 2013}

I'm doing better physically and somewhat mentally too {no more crying attacks on a daily basis}, but really still very confused, angry, and most of all very sad.  Yesterday would've been 13 weeks, and I can't help thinking about who I'd be sharing the good news with, how I'd be shopping for maternity clothes, growing a noticeable belly, discussing name ideas...

I went for my follow-up yesterday and supposedly everything was okay, which I guess is good {though I'm not sure how she even knew that by a simple 3-minute cervical exam with no ultrasound...} but to be honest I keep hoping this is all a bad nightmare and I'll wake up one morning and be pregnant again.

I know in my head I am living the nightmare, but really truly wish it was the other way around.  I honestly would not wish this experience on my worst enemy.

Horoscopes

OK train monitor horoscopes, you're driving me mad.  First you rub it in my face that I can travel anywhere I'd like, thanks to not having a baby on board.  Then 2 days later you tell me to "Press the pause button on any travel plans you've been making. Things may change."

For a minute, I wondered if there could be some mistake.  Could I still be pregnant?  Is it possible that all that bleeding wasn't a miscarriage at all?  Even if that were true (which I know in my head is not true but did briefly hope in my heart is possible), there was the MVA.

But why else would I have to press the pause button on travel plans???  Does this mean perhaps I might become pregnant again, soon?  Or maybe it means I'll have another miscarriage.  Or will I need fertility treatments?!  The truth is, nobody knows.

Here's a better question:  why am I even stressing about the myriad of possible circumstances that could cause me to cancel travel plans, because of a stupid train monitor horoscope????  I don't think these types of thought patterns are normal.  Am I losing my mind, or is this part of the normal grieving process?  Oh how I wish I could just rewind the clock a month, and be pregnant and happy again...  Will that ever happen?

The Day After

This was our first pregnancy and I'm absolutely devastated. I feel so confused because we had a healthy heartbeat of 141 at the 8 week ultrasound last month, and although I had brown spotting on and off since the beginning, I'd read online it was not uncommon and my OB didn't seem too concerned. I didn't have any morning sickness (except for a couple days where I felt a little queasy, but nothing too bad at all), though was tired and had other typical symptoms like sore breasts, frequent urination, belly bloating, and light headaches (which I hardly ever get). I just don't understand what went wrong because the first ultrasound seemed great, I was taking all my vitamins, drinking tons of water, and eating better than I think I've eaten in my life. My husband and I were religiously ensuring that I got 75 grams of protein a day and I didn't "cheat" on any dietary no-nos -- in fact I’ve been eating healthier and drinking more water than I ever remember. Although I realized before getting pregnant that miscarriages were always a possibility, I stupidly tricked myself into believing we were almost in the clear after the 8 week ultrasound detected a healthy heartbeat.

Today I am no longer in physical pain, but feel like an emotional basket case and really just want to stay in bed crying. My husband went back to work today and I feel so alone, partly because hardly anybody knew about the pregnancy and so we don't want to tell a lot of people about the miscarriage either. Our moms know, but don't live nearby, and I called my bff to break the news on Tuesday. She has been very supportive by checking in on me, and it helps to know she went through this 8 years ago before having her beautiful girls, but she also lives several hours away from me.

I was supposed to work from home today and tomorrow, but when I opened my laptop and saw all the work that had piled up, I couldn’t take it.... I broke down crying from a combination of frustration/anger/sadness/exhaustion/stress, and ended up emailing my director letting her know that I had an urgent medical situation and couldn’t work the rest of the week, despite the huge backlog of work I had and how strapped our team was for resources. To my surprise (I’m still not sure why I expected any less -- I think I was just so overwhelmed), she was incredibly supportive and knowing I didn’t have to deal with work for the next couple days provided some much-needed relief.

I spent the rest of the day in my pajamas, crying and watching soap operas.

In my brain, I understand that miscarriages are more common than they are discussed, and that chances are likely that the pregnancy wasn’t viable due to chromosomal abnormalities versus something I did or didn’t do. But I can’t help but wondering. What if we didn’t go to DR? What if I ate or drank something there that poisoned my baby? What if I can’t get pregnant again, or can’t carry a pregnancy to term? Just because many women go on to have healthy babies after a miscarriage doesn’t guarantee that I will.

Officially a Miscarriage

Monday morning when I woke to urinate there was a lot of red blood but still no pain. I was able to shower and get dressed before calling my OB as soon as they opened to schedule an 11am appointment. I was still bleeding, but mostly only during urination. But, as soon as my husband left for work -- a little over an hour before my appointment I started having mild-moderate cramping. To me, it felt like constipation. I sat on the toilet eating a whole wheat English muffin, using all the mind power I could muster to try to remain calm and try to have a bowel movement, but nothing was coming out. The pain didn’t ease up, so I took a cab from home to the doctor’s office. The 30 minute ride was unbearable and as we got closer I knew something didn’t feel right. By the time I arrived at the dr's office I could feel that I was bleeding heavily. I can picture vividly my husband's face as I exited the elevator and told him that I could feel the bleeding. I burst into tears and was ushered in to provide a urine sample. As expected, it was full of blood. The nurse took my BP and weight (I still don’t understand why that was important) and left me in an exam room waiting for the doctor. The examination was incredibly painful -- I remember crying out that it hurt while the doctor tried to check to see if my cervix was still closed. I’m not sure she ever felt it, and she didn’t say much except to instruct us to go into the sonogram room. At this point, I still don’t think I knew what was about to happen.

I can’t remember what happened next -- the day turned into a blur. I’m not sure if the sono tech checked me before or after speaking, but I do remember her saying it was obvious my body was trying to get rid of the baby... I was having a miscarriage. This statement shocked me and broke my heart at the same time. I remember crying out and my husband holding my hand. He held my hand a lot over the next few days, and thinking back I’m honestly not sure how we was so strong when I was such a mess.

The OB sent me home with 4 methotrexate pills to take every 6 hours and orders to come back the following day for an ultrasound to check on progress.