One Regret...

"Be bold and courageous.  When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did."

~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

I'm annoyed at myself about a regret I have.  I regret that I let my fear about all the things that could potentially go wrong with this pregnancy prevent me from fully embracing, from day one, with nothing but complete excitement, the baby we are about to have.

I was a ball of nerves the entire first trimester, and most of the second as well if I'm being honest.  Even after getting great results at our NT scan, seeing with my own eyes a very healthy anatomy scan, and receiving clean bill of health after clean bill of health at all my many doctor's appointments, I never really allowed myself to relax and soak up the pure joy of being pregnant.  If I'm being totally honest, I envy the women I know who began their pregnancies with unfiltered hope in their eyes, and who shouted their blessed news from the rooftops to anyone who would listen as soon as the pee dried on the stick, without a second thought to it!  I wish with all my might that I had as much confidence in the outcome of my pregnancy, and didn't spend so many months worrying about worst case scenarios...

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This cartoon sums it up so perfectly.  I spent so many months worrying that something bad would happen instead of diving head first into book reading, gift registries, nursery decor, name planning and all the other excitement that pregnancy brings.  I was too afraid to choose paint colors, sheets or little layettes too soon though.... and so instead I waited too long!  Now all of the things I could have, and should have, been doing to prepare all along are crammed into the span of a few weeks.  Not only does that increase my to-do list, but it takes away from the joy of planning and the anticipation.

If I could go back and change my outlook and my behavior, I would.  I'm glad that I finally had the courage to start believing sometime during this third trimester that our baby would continue growing on schedule and that she or he will hopefully make a healthy appearance in late May.  I just wish I'd adopted this completely positive attitude -- and banished my irrational fears -- sooner!

Positive News

First of all, I'm sorry I've been MIA for the past few weeks.  The reason is because I've been hesitant to actually write this down anywhere.  I've only said it out loud a couple times.  But they say a picture is worth a thousand words so here goes . . .

I'm pregnant!

I'm so very happy we have a second chance at a miracle, and I'm really trying to think positive thoughts.  But if I'm being honest, the truth is I'm also incredibly scared.  I'm definitely more nervous this time around than I was last time because I know how seemingly harmless statistics can turn against you in the blink of an eye.  But when it comes down to it, my desire to create a family with my loving husband exceeds the fear I feel of failing again.  So, like the adorable Natalie who was scared to start kindergarten but proclaimed nonetheless: "I'll be bwave."  I will be brave.  It's as simple as that.

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To My Fellow Miscarriage/Loss Readers:  I know you have suffered and faced your own pregnancy losses, and I hope this news doesn't hurt you in any way.  Please know that I am so grateful for all your support thus far, and am hoping with all I have that each and every one of you gets your own happy news and healthy baby to take home very soon!

Encouragement From a Long Lost Friend

I recently regained contact with a friend with whom I was once very close when I was younger, but lost touch with over the past 10 years.  I saw on Facebook that she was expecting a baby, so sent her a private message to congratulate her.  To my surprise, she responded by telling me that she and her husband were very excited to be parents, especially because they had experienced 3 miscarriages in the past 2 years.  Three miscarriages???  In two years??  My heart fell into my stomach and I began bawling.  I felt deep despair -- for her and her husband and their families.  But also for myself, and for anyone else who has been through this horrible experience.  And then I started thinking that if she could survive such a terrible thing THREE times, and still go on to try again and eventually have a healthy pregnancy.... maybe there was a little bit of hope for the rest of us?

She was very kind in her message and went into great detail about all 3 of her losses.  As I read, I cried and cried and cried.  I couldn't imagine how anyone could go through all of this and come out on the other side, still standing.  She ended her message by saying:

I wanted to share with you my (long) story because although it was really hard to go through, I did make it through and now I am pregnant!  I hope your journey is not as long and as painful.  Everyone would say to me after I miscarried that this is the way for nature to get rid of a pregnancy that wasn't going to work, or a baby that wouldn't have been healthy.  Nothing anyone said would help me to feel better.  Months after I would still randomly get upset about it.  Right now though, I can tell you that it is all worth it, and I don't think about all that I went through.  I'm just enjoying now and I am so grateful for this pregnancy.

and then...

Take care of yourself and think positively!  Good things happen to good people!  It's the way of the world and what you deserve!

Reading her words made it sound so easy to try to think positively, though thinking positively seems impossibly scary for me at this point.  But, after learning what this woman has been through, I do feel a slight glimmer of hope.  And I feel encouraged that if she could be so very strong and brave enough to try again and again and again, and to maintain hope that one day she'd get her miracle baby, that at the very least I should give it my best to try to follow in her footsteps...