Mother's Day

Today was my first Mother's Day as a mommy!  After a delicious homemade brunch cooked by my hubby, I opened some very sweet gifts and then the three of us spent the afternoon at the park.  Emily went on the swings and then insisted on rolling around in the dirt a little bit, luckily after Shep snapped this photo of us.

It's a little hard to see from the photo, but we're wearing matching shirts.  Yes, I'm that mom.  The shirts were a Christmas gift from a friend and I've been dying for warm enough weather to wear them -- I thought today was the perfect day!

My first Mother's Day, and almost a full year of being Mommy.  Wow.  So many memories already, so many learnings, so much love, and so little sleep.  ;)   I wouldn't trade any of it!  How lucky am I that I get to spend my life loving this sweet little girl.  Emily, you'll always be my sunshine!  Thank you for filling my days with laughter, joy, love, and silliness.  Becoming your mommy has been more wonderful, difficult and fulfilling than I'd ever imagined possible, and motherhood is the best gift I've ever been given.  You fill my world with light, and make me happy when skies are gray.  I love you more than words can say, and am so honored to be your mommy.

I remember watching this video last year when it first aired.  Back then, I was still trying to imagine exactly what it would be like to "be a mom".  I have a lot of great mom role models in my life, and I tried to picture myself in their shoes, doing their job.  It's funny -- all of the expectations I had about motherhood were sort of right but also sort of wrong.

This is the most challenging ("There are no breaks!"; "No time to sleep!"), high stakes, high energy ("chaotic environment"), entertaining and most rewarding job I'll ever have.  Not every day is a "successful" one, but I love every minute of watching Emily grow.  I wouldn't trade my job as Mommy for all the money in the world, and I'd take this job over and over and over again, without a second thought.

*****

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful, amazing, loving, special moms out there!!!  Thank you so much for all that you do!  It is a tough job, but someone's gotta do it!

And to my Mom..... I love you!  Thanks for everything.  :)  xoxo

Horoscopes

OK train monitor horoscopes, you're driving me mad.  First you rub it in my face that I can travel anywhere I'd like, thanks to not having a baby on board.  Then 2 days later you tell me to "Press the pause button on any travel plans you've been making. Things may change."

For a minute, I wondered if there could be some mistake.  Could I still be pregnant?  Is it possible that all that bleeding wasn't a miscarriage at all?  Even if that were true (which I know in my head is not true but did briefly hope in my heart is possible), there was the MVA.

But why else would I have to press the pause button on travel plans???  Does this mean perhaps I might become pregnant again, soon?  Or maybe it means I'll have another miscarriage.  Or will I need fertility treatments?!  The truth is, nobody knows.

Here's a better question:  why am I even stressing about the myriad of possible circumstances that could cause me to cancel travel plans, because of a stupid train monitor horoscope????  I don't think these types of thought patterns are normal.  Am I losing my mind, or is this part of the normal grieving process?  Oh how I wish I could just rewind the clock a month, and be pregnant and happy again...  Will that ever happen?

Superstitions

While visiting my favorite family with twin girls in CT this weekend, I had some more stomach cramps, bleeding and headaches. Sunday morning I was laying on the couch and something happened to prompt my husband to refer to me as a baby (not in a mean way).  Natalie’s response was: "no she's not a baby, she's a mom. and you're a dad." She didn't know any better. She was probably mixing the words mom and dad with adult in her head. But it hurt really bad nonetheless, to hear her and know she was wrong. Oh how I wish she was right... Tonight while walking home from dinner, a black cat appeared on the opposite side of the street. Hubby pointed it out to me right before the cat decided to cross the street to the side we were walking on. Not needing any more bad luck in my life (e.g., a black cat crosses your path), I ran forward a few yards to avoid letting the cat cross my path, while yelling "don't you dare you mother F-er". Yeah, I know I’m crazy.