Another AF = Officially TTC

This was the first month since our miscarriage that I honestly thought I might be pregnant again.  I've experienced a few minor bouts of queasiness over the past couple weeks along with a couple odd twinges in my abdominal area.  I hoped those were signs of fertilization and implantation, but, alas, good old Aunt Flo came for her monthly visit.

As if getting AF isn't annoying enough, this month's was abnormally painful and heavy.  I know that's typical for the first AF after a miscarriage, but this is my third AF, and it was much worse than my second {and maybe even my first, too}.  Which of course had me Googling and then wondering after reading random web posts whether I could have experienced a chemical pregnancy.  Apparently the bleeding from a chemical pregnancy can often be accompanied by more cramps than usual.  What I've come to realize though, if not accept, over the past several months is that there are some questions I will never have answers to.  In this case, I didn't take an early pregnancy test so there is no way to know for sure whether I could have experienced a chemical pregnancy or whether I just plain got unlucky with AF this month.

Regardless, I guess we're officially now in the bucket of couples who are "TTC", or trying to conceive.  I don't know why I dislike that expression so much.  I think it's because the very terminology implies that while we're "trying" we're really failing {or else we'd be pregnant}.  I might as well say we're "FTC".

Hopefully next month brings better results...  But knowing that the odds of getting {and staying} pregnant quickly aren't really on our side makes it hard.

• According to this UCSF Medical Center, "In nature, 50 percent of all fertilized eggs are lost before a woman's missed menses."  In a study referenced on this miscarriage site, "in a study that found that 22% of all natural conceptions fail to complete implantation, it was also found that 31% of pregnancies confirmed after implantation end in miscarriage."  Those are not great chances.
• According to this Baby Center post, of all couples trying to conceive, approximately:

30 percent get pregnant the first cycle (about one month) 

59 percent get pregnant within three cycles (about three months) 

80 percent get pregnant within six cycles (about six months) 

This trend continues and by about four years, 93 to 95 percent get pregnant.  

I am bursting with disappointment and impatience after one month...  I can't imagine going through this for many months or, gulp, years without losing my mind.

Though the statistics can be a bit daunting to say the least, at this point we absolutely need to remain optimistic.  So, here's a cartoon to lighten the mood:

AF is here

Well, it looks like Aunt Flo has arrived.  On the one hand, I'm relieved -- I guess this means my body is hopefully OK and trying to get back to "normal".  On the other hand, experiencing menstruation after being pregnant is a harsh reminder that I'm no longer pregnant, in addition to being a very vivid reminder of the phsyical miscarriage process.  I've never been fond of having my period {I'm sure many women feel this way} but this time it's much worse than a mere inconvenience.  It feels as if I'm physically reliving my experience all over again.  Will it always be like this?

And just in case getting my period isn't reminder enough that I no longer have a baby growing inside of me, I was posed a really difficult question to answer during a routing dental cleaning today.  "You're not pregnant, are you?!" my dental hygienist exclaimed while she worked. Apparently my gums are puffy, which can be caused by hormones.  I silently shook my head and somehow managed to hold in my tears until I left the office.

Nope, I'm not.

Awaiting AF

Source

For those who aren't aware, "Aunt Flo" is a euphemism for your period.  It's also referred to as "AF" in reproductive community boards, as I've come to learn.  Now that I have the terminology down, I have only one big remaining question...

Where oh where is my Aunt Flo?!

My OB advised before my MVA that my regular AF should return within 4-6 weeks.  But, I generally have shorter-than-typical cycles, so I've been expecting to receive it sooner than that.  In fact, if this were a regular cycle, I probably would've received it by yesterday.  I don't know why on Earth I thought the timing here might be predictable - nothing about this experience makes any sense to me whatsoever.  I'm not even sure why I'm so anxious to get it; I certainly don't need any more reminders of the pregnancy I lost or the awful miscarriage process.  I guess maybe I'm hoping that when AF arrives, there's a chance I might feel slightly "back to normal" again?  {Whatever that means.}  That, and the sooner it comes, the sooner we can "try" again.  I know I can't, and wouldn't ever want to, replace the baby we lost -- but losing this pregnancy has reinforced for me how much I really want to be a mother.

It figures the one time I actually want my period to arrive, it's nowhere to be found...