3 Months

Three months have passed since I heard my doctor inform me that I was miscarrying.  I have now officially been "un-pregnant" for longer than I was pregnant.  It's weird, because in some ways it seems like just yesterday that my husband and I were hopping around our bedroom taking photos and staring excitedly at a simple blue plastic stick, yet it also seems like forever ago.

Emotionally, I am doing a lot better than I started out.  In June, I cried nearly every single day.  In July, I still cried quite often {probably too often for my husband's liking}, and there were many days where I felt that would always be the case.  In August I began to turn a corner, and although there were definitely still tears, hidden away in my pillow, typing at my computer, or while alone in the shower, there were on average more positive days than painful ones.  It's now September, and I am doing my best to keep moving forward... trying my best to remain grateful for the blessings I do have in my life, positive about our future, and hopeful that this month, or some month very soon, we'll be lucky enough to get pregnant again.

"We cannot change yesterday, we can only make the most of today, and look with hope toward tomorrow." - Unknown

I'm so very grateful for all the support I've received over the past few months; from my loving husband, my golden-hearted BFF, and my many online group chat board comrades out there on the world wide web.  I don't think I could've made it through this experience {mostly} unscathed without you.

Another AF = Officially TTC

This was the first month since our miscarriage that I honestly thought I might be pregnant again.  I've experienced a few minor bouts of queasiness over the past couple weeks along with a couple odd twinges in my abdominal area.  I hoped those were signs of fertilization and implantation, but, alas, good old Aunt Flo came for her monthly visit.

As if getting AF isn't annoying enough, this month's was abnormally painful and heavy.  I know that's typical for the first AF after a miscarriage, but this is my third AF, and it was much worse than my second {and maybe even my first, too}.  Which of course had me Googling and then wondering after reading random web posts whether I could have experienced a chemical pregnancy.  Apparently the bleeding from a chemical pregnancy can often be accompanied by more cramps than usual.  What I've come to realize though, if not accept, over the past several months is that there are some questions I will never have answers to.  In this case, I didn't take an early pregnancy test so there is no way to know for sure whether I could have experienced a chemical pregnancy or whether I just plain got unlucky with AF this month.

Regardless, I guess we're officially now in the bucket of couples who are "TTC", or trying to conceive.  I don't know why I dislike that expression so much.  I think it's because the very terminology implies that while we're "trying" we're really failing {or else we'd be pregnant}.  I might as well say we're "FTC".

Hopefully next month brings better results...  But knowing that the odds of getting {and staying} pregnant quickly aren't really on our side makes it hard.

• According to this UCSF Medical Center, "In nature, 50 percent of all fertilized eggs are lost before a woman's missed menses."  In a study referenced on this miscarriage site, "in a study that found that 22% of all natural conceptions fail to complete implantation, it was also found that 31% of pregnancies confirmed after implantation end in miscarriage."  Those are not great chances.
• According to this Baby Center post, of all couples trying to conceive, approximately:

30 percent get pregnant the first cycle (about one month) 

59 percent get pregnant within three cycles (about three months) 

80 percent get pregnant within six cycles (about six months) 

This trend continues and by about four years, 93 to 95 percent get pregnant.  

I am bursting with disappointment and impatience after one month...  I can't imagine going through this for many months or, gulp, years without losing my mind.

Though the statistics can be a bit daunting to say the least, at this point we absolutely need to remain optimistic.  So, here's a cartoon to lighten the mood: