Missing Our Baby

December 25th was the due date of our first baby, making this Christmas emotionally difficult for me.  I know I should be happy that we're currently pregnant again and have a new due date to look forward to, and I absolutely am -- but that doesn't erase the great sadness I still feel, thinking of our baby that was never meant to be and wishing instead that we were about to welcome him or her into the world.  When the doctors first calculated my due date as December 25th I was ecstatic that of all the days in the year our due date was Christmas Day!  I couldn't believe our luck, and couldn't possible have imagined or asked for a more perfect day to look toward.  Over and over I thought to myself what a true gift of love that baby would be!

Hearing Christmas carols on the radio and hanging stockings up by our fireplace brought back a lot of the feelings I felt back when I first miscarried and realized I'd never meet our first baby, and it's been a bit harder than I thought it would be to get into the Christmas spirit this year.  While I know I have so much to be grateful for in my life -- certainly more than I could even list on a blog -- some days it's hard not to focus on what we lost with that pregnancy.  Needless to say, this Christmas has been bittersweet... celebrating a new pregnancy while still mourning my first pregnancy. 

It might seem strange to miss a person I've never met, but I do.  I really do.  Especially during the past few weeks, when I'd once imagined I'd be preparing to meet my baby or possibly even have gotten the chance to snuggle him or her first the first time.

I wish all of you a Merry Christmas, and send lots of hugs to everyone out there missing a loved one.  The holidays can be merry and bright, but they can also be hard when you're missing the ones you love.

"Miss You Most (At Christmas Time)"

The fire is burning

The room's all aglow

Outside the December wind blows

Away in the distance

The carolers sing in the snow

Everybody's laughing

The world is celebrating

And everyone's so happy

Except for me tonight

Because... 

[Chorus:]

I miss you

Most at Christmas time

And I can't get you

Get you off my mind

Every other season comes along

And I'm all right

But then I miss you

Most at Christmas time

I gaze out the window

This cold winters' night

At all of the twinkling lights

Alone in the darkness

Remembering when you were mine

Everybody's smiling

The whole world is rejoicing

And everyone's embracing

Except for you and I

Baby...

9 weeks

I am currently 9 weeks and 2 days pregnant.  Our little fetus {we graduated from embryo to fetus on Sunday!} is currently the size of a green olive.  65 days down, and only 215 more to go...

Source: The Bump

My current estimated delivery date is May 25, 2014.  That's 2 days after our 5th wedding anniversary and 5 months after my previous EDD.  {I'm trying not to be superstitious about having another EDD of the 25th, but I will admit it was a bit unnerving when I first calculated the date based on my last period.}

I'm over 20% of the way there, and 75% through my first trimester.  That's a milestone I'm really praying to cross with flying colors this time around.  Since my last pregnancy ended in miscarriage at nearly 11 weeks after seeing a healthy heartbeat, I am feeling especially anxious about the next couple weeks.  I know worrying isn't going to help me or the little olive, so I am doing everything I can to keep my mind busy and to stay positive.  I've been repeating to myself that "most pregnancies end with healthy babies" -- I saw that on a message board somewhere and have adopted it as my mantra for the foreseeable future.

Last Wednesday, we heard the baby's heartbeat and saw it's little body for the first time.  According to the sonogram tech and my OB, everything looked good.  Hearing the swishing sound of the heartbeat was a welcome treat, and of course we got to take home a couple photos of the little one.

I am taking this pregnancy one day at a time, and today I'm hopeful for many more tomorrows of witnessing our little one continuing to grow.