Silent Tears

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Today would've marked the 19th week of my pregnancy.  I wonder how it would've felt to reach "the halfway mark"...

I'm nearing the point where I will have been "un-pregnant" for a longer period of time than I was pregnant.  I wonder how that will feel...

I've already been "un-pregnant" for a couple weeks longer than the period during which I knew I was in fact pregnant.  Unfortunately, if anything that fact only makes me feel worse, not better.

I also wonder if or when my brain will stop automatically calculating weekly gestation milestones each and every Wednesday...  Eventually, time will run out.  I would've never been 52 weeks pregnant even if I hadn't miscarried, so I guess this counting ritual technically can't go on much past December.

Eventually, it will be time to move on... time not to forget, but to focus on something new.  I can't imagine it but I guess that's the goal of the grieving process -- processing and accepting what has happened in order to move on.  Do I even want to move on?  Honestly, I'm not sure.  Will time heal this pain?  Only time will tell...

One Month

"Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity."  ~Author Unknown

Today marks one month since our miscarriage started.  June 2nd was the beginning of the end for our first little baby-to-be.  This entire experience has been traumatic, but I think the hardest part was having to say good-bye to a baby that we never even had the chance to say hello to.  How do you mourn someone you've never met?  In the weeks we knew we were pregnant, we dreamed so many dreams.  We pondered the gender, brainstormed some names, researched doctors and hospitals and baby care classes, fantasized about snuggling up under the covers as a family of 3, and imagined what the greatest Christmas gift in the world would look like.  We hoped and planned for a future that will never be.

Although I don't expect this aching hole in my heart to ever fully heal, I thought that I was at least on the path to recovery.  But looking at the calendar today ripped any sense of progress up into pieces.  How can it be that I've been not-pregnant for a full month?  I thought as time passed, things would get easier.  But for some reason, realizing that much time has passed sort of makes me feel worse.  I know that a part of me will always ache for our little baby that never arrived; I just hope that as more time passes it won't always hurt this much...

Horoscopes

OK train monitor horoscopes, you're driving me mad.  First you rub it in my face that I can travel anywhere I'd like, thanks to not having a baby on board.  Then 2 days later you tell me to "Press the pause button on any travel plans you've been making. Things may change."

For a minute, I wondered if there could be some mistake.  Could I still be pregnant?  Is it possible that all that bleeding wasn't a miscarriage at all?  Even if that were true (which I know in my head is not true but did briefly hope in my heart is possible), there was the MVA.

But why else would I have to press the pause button on travel plans???  Does this mean perhaps I might become pregnant again, soon?  Or maybe it means I'll have another miscarriage.  Or will I need fertility treatments?!  The truth is, nobody knows.

Here's a better question:  why am I even stressing about the myriad of possible circumstances that could cause me to cancel travel plans, because of a stupid train monitor horoscope????  I don't think these types of thought patterns are normal.  Am I losing my mind, or is this part of the normal grieving process?  Oh how I wish I could just rewind the clock a month, and be pregnant and happy again...  Will that ever happen?