You Made Me a Mother

I saw this video last winter, when it first aired as part of an advertisement.  It may be a commercial, but the message is so true.  I cried the first time I saw it, when I was pregnant and dreaming of meeting my baby one day.  Now that Emily is 4 months old, it resonates even more with me. Today I got the happy news that the world has 2 new babies to love -- one is a friend's and one is my cousin's.  In celebration of these new babies, and another friend's baby due to arrive any day now, I wanted to share the video.  To all the babies and mommies out there -- enjoy!

Link: http://youtu.be/gZq62c82-h4

To My Emily, who made me a mother..... no words could ever express how blessed I am to have you in my life.  Yours forever, Mommy

We Don't Know What It's Like

Over the past year or so, we've thought a lot about what it would be like to have a baby of our own.  We have read about various parenting theories, we've listened to stories from friends and strangers alike, we've spied on watched families with babies and small children out in public...  We've done all of this "research" to prepare, as best as we can, for the life-changing journey we're about to start together as parents.  We think we've got a pretty good idea about the kind of changes we're in for, and we hope we have realistic expectations.  But the truth is, we don't KNOW what it will be like.

The thing about the unknown is that it can be scary.  For many of us {ahem}, change is simply terrifying.  You can prepare and prepare, but there are certain things or situations or factors that can't be predicted, practiced or accounted for.  I'm sure any soon-to-be or new parents out there can relate... everyone has a story for you and everyone has advice about what to do when X comes up, or you find yourself in Y situation with no advanced warning.  And though all of the advice is coming from a well-meaning place, it can be overwhelming to keep hearing about all the things that can or will be difficult or challenges that lay ahead, when you haven't even yet held that snuggly baby in your arms for the first time.  And so, at a certain point, we just need to try as best we can to make ourselves okay with the fact that we might not have a CLUE about what we're actually getting ourselves into, but leap into it wholeheartedly anyway, knowing we have the best intentions and are as prepared as realistically possible given the world of unknowns.  At this point is when the palms get sweaty, fears race through our brains like lightening, and we start to wonder:  Are we sure we're up for this life-long challenge?

With only a couple weeks left until our little one is due to arrive, I'm looking forward so much to meeting our newest little family member -- but all of these "what ifs" and thoughts and fears are at the front of my mind.  I think I started getting ahead of myself by focusing too much on them {what if our baby has colic? what if s/he isn't a good eater or sleeper?  what if we're terrible parents?} instead of the sheer anticipation and excitement of our little one's arrival!  Thinking about all of this, I remembered a video ad I'd seen back in December, so I looked it up and watched it again.  And lo and behold, it made me feel better....

By any account, that family's life is stressful!  The house is a mess, the parents look frazzled and exhausted, the kid {though adorable} is into everything.  And then they find out they're having another little miracle, and instead of feeling overwhelmed or scared, they're deliriously joyous.  The stress can {and will!} come later, but for right now, I'm going to soak up the last couple weeks of this pregnancy, coo over every little onesie or outfit as I wash and put it away in baby's new room, and think about how full of love and excitement our hearts were when we first found out we were pregnant.  Those are the feelings to savor and focus on.

Don't get me wrong... I'm generally not one for burying my head in the sand.  I know it's going to be challenging to enter the realm of parenthood, and that there will be some very difficult and sleep-deprived days and nights ahead, but I shouldn't get ahead of myself -- first we need to actually get there... to the point where we have our precious baby in our arms!

Motherhood

"Motherhood is a state of both the mind and the heart, a sacred place that is yours no matter the distance between you and your child. Not even death can take it away." ~ Dr. Joanne Cacciatore

I live in a large apartment complex, so frequently share the elevator with neighbors from my building.  Recently, I shared the elevator with a little girl, who looked about 2 years old, and her mom.  At one point during the elevator ride from the comfort of her stroller, the little girl looked at me, pointed up at her mom and proudly announced "my mommy".  She then looked around, saw that I was the only other person in the elevator, pointed at me with a bit of confusion and asked "someone else's mommy?" several times, while curiously looking back and forth between her mom and me.  I couldn't quite make out what she was saying at first, but after the second or third time of her repeating the question, I caught on.  I can only imagine how my expression changed, from a friendly smile into a face of stone, likely.  The mom laughed nervously and I just stood there, speechless.  It felt like I was punched in the gut.  How I wished I was someone else's mommy.

Back in June, after I first told my BFF about our miscarriage, she sent me a message encouraging me to take whatever time I needed to grieve and to not let anyone tell me that I don't have a right to mourn my lost baby.  She went on to tell me that "I am a mommy now and no one can take that away".  I remember feeling so stunned upon receiving that part of her message.  Up until that point, I hadn't thought of myself as a mommy.  In fact, part of why I was so angry and scared is that I thought I might never have the chance to be a mommy.  But after thinking about it, I realized that I was a mommy... a mommy without a baby.  At the time, I didn't realize that it was okay to feel that way.  I'd never held my baby -- I'd never even seen him or her except for the shadow on the screen during my first ultrasound.  I hadn't even heard his or her heart beat, though the sonogram tech did.  Medically speaking I didn't even know if I technically ever had a baby; I knew I had an embryo and possibly a fetus {depending on various opinions of when the embryo becomes a fetus}, but could I legitimately say I carried a baby?

It was only after discussing with other women who had been through similar losses that I felt comfortable thinking of myself as a mother without a child.  That phrase sounds like an oxymoron, but in fact it perfectly describes how I feel.  Before my pregnancy and before my loss, I hadn't spent a lot of time thinking about miscarriage.  Of course I knew people who'd experienced miscarriages, but I never stopped to think about how truly horrible such a loss would feel.  I am ashamed to admit this, but I guess I always assumed that miscarriages that occurred in the first few months wouldn't be that  hard or that  traumatic.  I always knew it would be sad, but didn't know it would be life-changing.  I didn't know how utterly in love you could fall for someone so tiny, so fast.  Logically, how could the loss of a 10.5 week old fetus hit me as hard as the death of my 91 year old grandfather, whom I loved for literally my entire life?  I guess I used to assume that since you didn't "meet" the baby before an early miscarriage that it wouldn't be as devastating.  But it was.  It truly was.

Source

Coming to the realization that I am a childless mother in a way helped me admit to my feelings instead of trying to deny or rationalize them away, even if only to myself.  Only then did I feel like I could openly and honestly begin to grieve for my lost baby.  A baby I never did, nor will I ever, have the chance to meet has changed me forever.  In that brief period of 10 weeks and 5 days, I became a mother.  And now, a part of my heart will always belong to my first unborn child.