So tired.

This weekend I drove upstate to my aunt's house for a visit with my extended family.  Keep in mind that most of them do not know about my pregnancy and miscarriage experience.  This isn't because I'm ashamed or don't think it's appropriate to discuss the miscarriage, but moreso because I never got the chance to share the good news with them that we were expecting, and so didn't want their first exposure to our decision about growing our family to be negative.

When I got there, some of my family members commented on how tired I looked.  It was true, I hadn't slept well the night before thanks to a pulled muscle in my neck.

I am so tired.

I'm tired of being sad and tired of being angry.  And I'm tired of pretending that I'm not either of those things.  I'm really tired of crying, but also so tired of trying to hold my tears in.

When we first experienced our miscarriage in June, many kind people I turned to for support expressed their sympathy and encouraged me that things would get better with time.  I wanted to believe that, but when we got the call earlier this month about the genetic testing results, everything suddenly got worse, all over again.

Some happiness researchers suggest that acting the way you want to feel has a big impact on how you will actually feel.  Unfortunately in this case, neither acting happy nor acting un-sad is working for me.  I'm just all the more tired from plastering on a happy face while I got about my days, and I'm not sure how much longer I can "fake it till I make it". 

I really hope I can get back to my "normal" self soon, whatever that is.  I've tried really hard to get back to my typical routine, start once again to exercise consistently, eat more healthily, and spend time doing activities I enjoy.  And when I'm doing those things, I feel almost like my old self.  It's the in-between times and the quiet times at night as I will myself to fall asleep without placing my hand on my stomach or shedding tears that are the hardest.  Trying to lead a "normal" life is just so tiring.

Awaiting AF

Source

For those who aren't aware, "Aunt Flo" is a euphemism for your period.  It's also referred to as "AF" in reproductive community boards, as I've come to learn.  Now that I have the terminology down, I have only one big remaining question...

Where oh where is my Aunt Flo?!

My OB advised before my MVA that my regular AF should return within 4-6 weeks.  But, I generally have shorter-than-typical cycles, so I've been expecting to receive it sooner than that.  In fact, if this were a regular cycle, I probably would've received it by yesterday.  I don't know why on Earth I thought the timing here might be predictable - nothing about this experience makes any sense to me whatsoever.  I'm not even sure why I'm so anxious to get it; I certainly don't need any more reminders of the pregnancy I lost or the awful miscarriage process.  I guess maybe I'm hoping that when AF arrives, there's a chance I might feel slightly "back to normal" again?  {Whatever that means.}  That, and the sooner it comes, the sooner we can "try" again.  I know I can't, and wouldn't ever want to, replace the baby we lost -- but losing this pregnancy has reinforced for me how much I really want to be a mother.

It figures the one time I actually want my period to arrive, it's nowhere to be found...